feeling a bit depress

It has been a while since i last blog. Today the urge to pen my feeling has been great. i been wondering about somethg a lot these days. I remembered clearly the last quarrel with M. I was angry when he is talking nonsense when reading nursery rhymes to our CS. Then he started to scorned and with a gloom face he shouted back.. "this is how i was when you know me , why are you trying to change me?"
This phrase etched long enough in my memory till now.. our quarrel was three weeks ago... i told myself I can't change him and shouldn't change him when we get married but then now it educating our next generation and i must also have it his way.. Then isn't his sentence a big irony? if i let him has his way in educating the kid (the way which i detest and don't want) isn't this a form of him trying to change me.!! NOw if i can't change him (which I don't) and he shouldn't try an influence me (which i find myself giving in all the times) then whose way are we going to adopt when we educate our next generation..
All that is going through my mind these days is too soon.. i shouldn't get mary so fast and even before i get used to marriage life, i shouldn't have a baby.. I am so sad n regret of my life now that i feel trapped and lost .. i feel miserable and that i have no way to turn..

There are so many nice examples of good husbands near him.. the sis's hb , his dad and my bro.. All i want is his respect for me.. is it that hard.. if he isn't my soulmate and can't see my point of view why oh why did i marry him in the first place?? The same fear i have back then before ROM came back to me.. I just regret my decision wish i was wiser and more clear minded back then...

2 as 1

           How often i see this phrase in couples' wedding invites, the day where 2 become 1.

Now is that even possible. Human are born as the more intelligent animal on earth.

The irony part is that human often outsmart themselves and hence they are also the most complex animal on earth.

 

  Are you wondering why I am typing the above? There are thousands of questions that flows across my mind every seconds so many unanswered question that I dont even know if i am fast enough to type em all out.. But so what if i do?

   How is it possible that 2 individuals who spend at least 20 years of their lives separate from one another only to find themselve become 1 on a particular day. Is that even possible.. can 20 years of thinking merge into 1 over night? No wonder there a saying that the greatest undefeatable enemy is LOVE....

Private world once owned now lost

After marriage, a sense of lost.
Lost of own private moment and not sure how to spend the time.
Aimlessly wonder and highly not ready for the next phrase in life.

Stage: Getting adjust.
Mood: Moody And Lost

World of Grey!

Today I am feeling rather confused... Somehow I chance upon an old fren blog online.. I know like me, she isn't happy with her job.. There is something she very clear about deep down defining when will she feel happiness in a job. Many local faced the same issue .. survival or jobs that give you motivation to greet each day with greater and positive feel... However today once again i know her.. She is now a happy mother to be... Life at work isn't fantastic however she has a handsome caring hubby and a bb waiting to enter this world. Life for her is simple and happy .. Looking at her i wonder how easy happiness can sometime be..
On the other hand I am watching "healing Hands III" This drama has an amazing ways of attracting me.. It clearly depict that people can still be smiling on the outside while at the same time feeling great turmoils inside. IT show that every adult has their own sad story yet no matter how sad one is , the world still spinning around. No matter how sad I am the world or people around me still goes on..
As I was typing there is this phrase on the TV "Everyone has the rights to choose the lifestyle that they wants to live" Sometimes I can't help feel that people who say this are those who has the affluent capacity to do so.. often these people are oblivious to the suffering around the world. I can't help feeling that they are shallow.

其实你(不)懂我

Kinda of feel like the lyrics in this song...
Chotto sabishisoo.
其实你(不)懂我

我到底是谁
在你心中占有怎样的地位
你不说清楚
你让我们的爱坠在七里雾

爱 很讨厌
总是忽近忽远的让人追
追半天 你连抱歉
一句抱歉也不给

我向前走 低着头 眼泪不停向后流
一直走 不回头
希望你会找到我
但是始终不如愿
希望都落空
我仍相信 其实你(不)懂我（其实你爱我??）

我发誓千遍
我这一走你就无法挽回
虽然心会痛
总比受尽委屈还要更好过

我 等了等
脑海始终浮现你对我的好
好半天 你连Babe
一句安慰也不给

一前一后
你跟在我的背后沉默
Yeh……Yeh……Yeh……
前前 后后
希望你握住我的手
Yeh……Yeh……Yeh……
Wo……Wo……Wo……

我向前走 抬起头 擦掉眼泪向前走
一直走 不回头
相信你会找到我
梦里寻他千百遍
希望都实现
我不想走 无法心不动

我向前走 抬起头 擦掉眼泪向前走
一直走 不回头
相信你会找到我
梦里寻他千百遍
希望都实现
我仍相信 其实你懂我

Gloomy Day

今日輪に地予備ですねでも気持ちはちょっとわるいですね。年って子持ちが悪いですか？多分天気なので。今外雨がふるでしょう。私の日本語はとても下手ですからそれてつき paragraph　英語で書くです。

It a raining day.. It has been raining and stopping and more raining. I feel sad sitting in my room with aircon on at fullblast listening to sentimental musiz. On days like this, I just want to sit there dreamy and hope the world outside my room disappear and peace remain the whole day. However that not going to happen.. I can feel the clock ticking as i type each word...

It another day whereby i feel gloomy for no particular reason.. I sense people working hard even though it sunday but i just cant gather enough strength to see this day through.. So many things happen but i just cant force myself to concentrate and see them through.. what going on... why such lethargic feeling?Just how long it take to recharge oneself? ....

Why do i feel so lonely just like the boy in this picture? He seems so lonely standing there with only his reflection accompany him...

Human Relationship

Everyday I worked in the office thinking this isn't the job that I dreamt off.. Today I am having another thoughts... my own life.... Why do i say that? Well, 2 hours ago I stumbled on shots of 2 interviews with "Ming Dao" a Taiwanese actor. I recalled my first impression of him.. Many years ago , I saw him hosting "Mao Xian Wang" he looked like a "Ga ki"(japanese word of kid) that has no experience hosting a dangerous documentary on lives around the world.. After that I forgotten totally about him.... Then I caught him again in "Wang Zi bian Qing Hua" He has turned from an ignorant snob to a mature man that oozes charisma in that drama.. However impression on him is only skin-deep... and nothing more.. until I saw these 2 interviews on youtube. It shows how he has turned from an ignorant market boy into a snob documentary host to finally an ernst hardworking actor... Somehow when I look at this interview, it made me realise that many people changes over time and most people who are successful in life normally mature by encountering harsh experience of reality. This makes me wonder how narrow minded most Singaporeans are. We lived in a world of comfort and holds a stable job..Yet all that we know is to grumble about life and how better it can get better if we are not doing this job. Life seem to be restless and no meaning. How bosses seem to be always earning good pay and enjoy good life... Actually the definition of good life in our country.. is rather superficial. What the definition of good life exactly? Is it good pay and able to get what you want without the need to worry about pay? Look at these actors.. they are faced with tons of hardship, their family are poor sellers in market. Their parents owe others money, yet they never grumble and give up on life. Instead this drove them to work harder.. I really admired actors or actress that are ernst and hardworking. They are down to earth and not pretentious..HOwever , all these phrase of their lives can be easily forgotten when they are tempted with luxurious items and fame... I admired actors like Jiro and Ming Dao not because they are good -looking is that they have learnt things through the hard way yet they have never complaint that life is not what they way or that they are in such predicament because god is not good to them. Sometimes I wonder , why do people in my country give up so easily. Why are they so quick to condemn life is back because world is unfair? Imagine if Jiro has given up after his contract with 2 recording companies got null even before he is able to record an album . Where will he be now? Looking at all these, I wonder if i should change my thinking and think about how i can make my own life better or continue to grumble about life till i turn 80 and complained that my hubby make me waste my youth?...
Let hope that there is a better tomorrow for myself and so the stars that I admire, may their preservance heart never wavierd and that the success they get in life is not only fame but also eventually won someone who knows how to appreciate them and can spend lives with them till it gone...
(Click on the title to view mingdao interview on youtube) Remember to watch the later one where he matures...